Thesis on self doubt
The easiest way to describe this work is as a statement on intimacy - a layered and complex part of human relationships.
This work is complex as well.
In the progression of the images we see
Intimacy being had freely, perhaps even carnal in nature: raw, real, brutal, passionate
The fruit of intimacy is concealed, protected, withdrawn, renounced - for some reason or another. (Reason is complex at all times)
An opportunity for intimacy, though it is not taken - there is an anxiety, doubt, misplaced self-preservation
I am fully aware that there are many men who believe that sex is a right, something that is obligated to them, or owed. This mindset is abhorrent; I have no tolerance for the notion.
I think now it is important to mention I am a “survivor” (I hate that term) of sexual abuse, so perhaps my relationship with sex is uncommon, or maybe it isn’t - either way I think it is important to mention.
I often struggle with strong feelings related to sex and its relation to my self worth as a partner. There’s the typical (I know this to be typical) “I hope I’m good enough” or “I hope I am satisfying my partner”. Though, there is also a strong connection to my own image based off of and in direct correlation to the frequency of sex I am having with my partner.
I know this is not healthy.
If it seems as if things are slowing down, I haven’t had sex with my partner in a few weeks, or if it is sparse and the moments feels unnatural in any way - I begin to worry. “Am I no longer desirable?” “They must be bored of me.” “If we aren’t connecting on this physical level they will lose feelings for me.”
It sends me in a downward spiral. Any ounce of confidence I have is slashed to bits.
I may attempt to initiate in hope to ease my worries, in moments where I fully know I will most likely be met with rejection. If met with rejection this only fuels my delusions. Solidifies my lack of value. I become upset, not with words or specific actions, though my essence is off - it may incorrectly come across as anger, yet I am merely crestfallen.
All the while I am feeling this way, I am conscious and worried of the idea that maybe I am being just another man who believes he is owed sex, but the reality is I couldn’t care less about the bodily part of it in this moment. I do not yearn for orgasm or to lay my seed. (I can masturbate quite easily and yield the same end result as far as body is concerned). I yearn for a closeness - the spiritual and physical bonding that comes with intimacy.
Eventually I find myself scared to initiate intimacy, I fear I am being that man. I may initiate and it may happen, but by this point my delusions tell me it only happened because women are made to believe it’s what they must do. It’s a toxic tacit agreement; It only happened because I am a man, and I have been rejected too many times now, so - “throw the dog a bone”.
Did you know there’s no such thing as blue balls?
Every day it continues, my mind is consumed by how badly I want to talk about it, in past experiences those sorts of conversations find a way back to “You aren’t owed sex” (which is true!). The anxiety of this possible conversational deterioration is enough to stop my tongue in its tracks. (My teeth?)
The goal of speaking about it is not to end in sex, but rather to express an emotional deficit that is present, as an attempt to say “this is how I feel when we are not intimate regularly”. This is not to guilt, it is not to shame, it is only to share. There should be some sort of mutual understanding shouldn’t there? I want to hear if I am making my partner feel like a sex object; I want to know and correct that if so the case. I also want my partner to hear if I am feeling undesirable, unworthy, anxious. I want my partner to know I am feeling a distance, one that scares me.
Not only do these images depict the descent into self doubt born of a lack of intimacy, or healthy conversation about the matter of which I suffer, it is also a statement on how I believe that this topic, or this particular scenario, is often handled as a caricature of a stereotypical toxic masculine behavior. Instead I believe this particular scenario should be treated as an opportunity for partners to be truly vulnerable with each other on a sensitive subject.
I want to remove the caricature from this conversation. There needs to be an acceptance that this issue is painful to each side. There may be different roots, different feelings, different manifestations - nonetheless there is pain felt by both parties. There is no contest for pain. There is no barometer; there is no use for scales in a relationship. Treating validity as subjective is a dangerous practice.
With acceptance we have understanding, with understanding we have love.
With love we have all.